a bitch and a half. // 20121130 //



Disastrous night.

In no mood to meet more new people, particularly after the debacle, which I have yet to get over. What had started out as a pleasant enough night had quickly swung from family politics between the brother-sister duo to my general irritation at the 1001 personal questions fired to my face all night , as though I'm all about insecurity and failure - of course the night brought out the most pathetic part of me, the part that needed to be reassured all the time and, of course, there was no reassurance forthcoming.

 It was almost like reliving my snappy interactions with those family members I'm not particularly fond of; though those turned out to be quite entertaining at times. I smiled politely, slunk away to one corner of the table, browsed my timeline on Twitter.  As you might have guessed, we spent the remainder of the night being  polite to each other; as if the night never happened.

Anyhow, it has all been too much until i stumbled upon this rainbow sweetness! Glad to be back home and back to being a bitch and a half.

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in the absence of light. // 20121003 //

That night we were on a boat in pitch black, amazed by the sight of nature flickering in the night, hovering over mangrove trees along the river bank; like seeing teeny bright stars up in the darkest sky slowly making their way down to us. Just one of those 'for our eyes only' moment, where even the best performance camera fails to capture.


That's firefly watching in Cherating, in case you wonder.


We just sat there in the absence of light, not really talking, not even looking at each other, just enjoying the moment. The kind of feeling thats so overwhelming it scares you. I wouldnt describe it as happiness; its beyond that. Its comforting to be around someone who already know your stories, who can cut through the bullshit and tell you exactly what they think of you and know your mistakes and love you just the same.



Oh, we're getting married. Pop that confetti!
The King; Telok Chempedak, Kuantan.




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feminism of a different brand. // 20120902 //

Men think its all about lace and cleavage; that our panties are either Thongs or G-strings or pretty Briefs. And wired bras are hot! Never mind the fact that they leave angry red lines when we take them off or the extra mile we take to squeeze the water out very carefully when washing them if not the whole damn cup gets bent out of shape. Hey, they don't even know about the Old Jockey with a hole and the Ancient Cotton Bra with blotches we still keep in our drawers.

Just like how they assume women are just creatures with boobs; born with nonsensical issues. Wrong but hey, who really wants to lose all the allure of being that unfathomable extraordinary woman and let the enigma vanishes ay?

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that mind rattle. // 20120731 //

There's this feeling I get sometimes when I get surprised by adulthood, where life sneak up on me, tap on my shoulder and make me jump and I think of something that I desperately need to tell someone - its somewhat like a secret, but more like a brilliant idea that i absolutely must share or I'll explode!

Quite a nice, easy feeling, everything tumbling over a really beautiful chaos.

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complex brain functions. // 20120705 //


im not too crazy about meeting a friend's significant other. it always turn out to be a bit of an ordeal because im expected to relentlessly analyse and deconstruct and perform complex body-language-decoding brain functions while friend's eyes constantly beseech me for approval.

now, lets put yourself in that person's (significant other) shoes : you see,  usually you will know when a group of friends are really curious about you, you would sense their collective anticipation and you would react to this with laughter that grows more defiant or maybe loud greets with much forced gaiety which i think are completely unnecessary unless you dont mind trying too hard to be a loon.

of course they will judge you - are you ordinary looking? do you have anxious expression? weird accent? of course they will make mental tally in their heads, so they can elaborate on their other friends later. and yes, you will wonder if you're steadily losing points. which got me thinking - its probably completely worth it just to be the object of the kind of devotion someone seems to have around you, just to be taken care of, when all the boys we know are fucking around, contemplating their wedding days or making statements like ' i need to figure things out' or ' i think i still have feeling for you but...' and etc.

ya know?

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meet the Ultras. // 20120604 //


Dreadful  weekend – i hate the way i have to pretend a major part of my life doesn’t exist when around this bunch of ultra conservative people. Their lives are the complete antithesis of mine especially the female version of the tribe, and im talking about age sixteen up, are either married or prepping to be married, and this kind of shit sort of passed on, from generation to generation and that annoys the heck out of me.  

Really.

The worst among them is probably the fat ones. No, not the kind of fat that makes a person look jovial and sweet but the kind of fat that mean old sows are, with beady eyes and immense power, and you know they’re constantly plotting how to knock you over. I don’t know how i grew up the way i did, i guess the internet and the traveling changed the way i look at things. On similar note; King stumbled upon this - was a great laugh over coffee at sunset. Check it out.

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sepia tinted memories. // 20120520 //


the coming of age phases - from being a nerd and skinny and growing breasts, to being free, footloose and not really worried about where life is taking me, to realizing relationships will not last forever, to being twenty three and knowing that people change, that friendship and loyalty are all subject to change, to  daringly progressing from making out to heavy making out, till it seemed like the room would explode from the intensity of  desires and the discovery of the most momentous of all experiences -- love?

been listening to that word a lot ,these days especially. of course, there were times when it has been greatly misused.

i guess in a saner, sober moment; i knew that sometimes everything had to change in order for it to be the same and at some point in the future we'll find ourselves right back at the start. 

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flood of thoughts. // 20120506 //

while been busy doing....well nothing particularly fruitful, its been actually lovely chilling to my own schedule. its nice to slow down for a change; feels like calmness flood through me like water. filled with an overwhelming sense of relief, an idyllic last-minute weekend getaway trip miraculously happened. amazing how perspective can change after a quick trip.

read more on that here , here and here.

also i have this love-hate thing going with the hometown, well essentially i am a city person; thrive on action, on people moving rapidly around me, on drinking coffee with music turned up to deafening levels, even on traffic jams, all evidence to the contrary. so i guess a weekend of being away is all i can take and i guess every now and then its important to do what you want and just screw everyone else.

Pangkor Island, Perak via Anne.

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feeling alien. // 20120503 //

If there’s one thing that make me uncomfortable, its walking into a room full of people already in mid-swing. Not that I have much choice. I guess these are the people they actively sought out for company or amusement. I end up feeling that those who are there already consider me as an intruder, someone who doesn’t really belong and who’s screwing up their merriment.

Feeling alien and completely judged as they flicked their eyes over me and preparing to smile, it struck me how I couldnt quite bother to put the 'social face' on but unquestioningly accepted other people's artifices as just as charming part of their personalities. occasionally making deliberate eye contact and making it seemed like i was laughing to myself, i spent time glancing less and less discreetly at the time on my blackberry to see when i could go home.

I swear all i wanted was the earth to open up and swallow me whole.

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here and now. // 20120303 //

It has been a little over a month since brother moved in. No one wakes me up on weekends, but he did, just this morning; followed by me sticking out my face out from under my sheet mumbling. Had breakfast together on our little balcony, and ended up bonding from 9 till noon. Sounds appropriate; given the fact that we are pretty much responsible for the tiny bit of normalcy in each other's lives in this teeny condo. Gah.

Seems both my sister and I are tragic case of genes and conditioning, as both of us have been crying out for mother or the maid to fetch us toast while at home. Her birthday is today, dropped a birthday wish that says " stay cool, stylo and smart always. That is rare to come in one package" albeit on opposite sides of planet. I am so proud of her.

Still patting my own back for carrying off bubbles of joy moments. Like one of those evenings when you're out with someone and they've just said something that makes you either laugh really hard or look at them intensely and say "me too". And see a look for pride on the face and feel foolishly triumphant that I mentally added it to my photo album.

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