Homecation! // 20130815 //

Favourite part of the house where I spend most of my time at, even now as we speak.


We now live in the jungle on the hill top, King Shen and I, where monkeys and birds live just few steps away from our balcony. Feeling like being held in a coccon of deliciousness of cool waves of air that never ends; all I hear is the wind through the trees, daily annoyances are brushed aside and words cannot describe the peace. When driving up the hill with music turned up, the road ahead is practically empty, I feel like im in a movie, driving my rickety car against the backdrop of the ruins.


Its humbling, that feeling.


This is the 14th house that I have moved into. Yes, fourteen. Funny where my life takes me. Feeling blessed, and loving this post wedding - vacation feeling. Time to start reevaluating things and mull over big decisions now. Blah.



Oh wedding updates coming soon, letting Junee and Joel do the job for now ;p

Labels:

Something bold, something beautiful & something blue! // 20130204 //

It hit me suddenly, with great force, that this is what my life, our lives, has turn out to be. It was like I was watching the world from a swing when its at its highest point and everything I have left behind seem so small, that it made me feel giddy.

I am not a fashion diva with giddy eyelashes and jewellery, but that day, in my head I was one, dressing the colour of luscious sweetness stuck to me by some kind of electricity. 

Of course at the time, I felt like the sky parted and the sunshine of pure joy shone through into my life and all, I simply considered the episode of  this magical union, a fantasy. 

We're engaged! Cant stop adoring this classic cut royal blue sapphire on my finger ;) 

Labels: ,

stupider? // 20130108 // 0 XX

"Oddly enough, as many times as I’ve heard the word stupidest (and believe me, if I sold my soul to the devil in order to have eternal life, that wouldn’t be long enough for me to count the number of times that I’ve heard it over the past few years), I’m not sure that I’ve ever heard anyone use the word stupider. Maybe that’s because people know how stupid the word stupider sounds and that the correct form is more stupid. Then why don’t they know how stupid stupidest sounds and that the correct form is most stupid?" languageandgrammar.com

Never in my life has the word 'stupider' been so appropriate.
HAPPY TWO O THIRTEEN!!!
One hundred million bagazillion things to look forward to!


 

Labels:

11 more days. // 20121222 // 0 XX

In England now with a lot of free time and very little to do with it hence this post. Was in Amsterdam earlier; I remember as I watched the english skies became dutch, an icy chill traveled down my body while I was hoping for some out of this world adventure and it was out of this world indeed, but for the wrong reasons. 

I guess all that wrong reasons have made me realize who my source of strength and support is, in this world that is unjust and untrusting. Maybe happiness is a finite quantity. Maybe you only get a set of quota in your lifetime, no more, no less. Maybe if you're sad and grouchy all the time, you're just wasting whatever little you have. 

Its funny how someone can invade all aspects of my mind, who wants to go where Im going with me, make reality look a little less real and give me the kind of feeling people write songs about. To put in simplest of terms, he's beautiful. He really is.

11 more days to go.

Chulia Street, Penang Island.

Labels:

a bitch and a half. // 20121130 //



Disastrous night.

In no mood to meet more new people, particularly after the debacle, which I have yet to get over. What had started out as a pleasant enough night had quickly swung from family politics between the brother-sister duo to my general irritation at the 1001 personal questions fired to my face all night , as though I'm all about insecurity and failure - of course the night brought out the most pathetic part of me, the part that needed to be reassured all the time and, of course, there was no reassurance forthcoming.

 It was almost like reliving my snappy interactions with those family members I'm not particularly fond of; though those turned out to be quite entertaining at times. I smiled politely, slunk away to one corner of the table, browsed my timeline on Twitter.  As you might have guessed, we spent the remainder of the night being  polite to each other; as if the night never happened.

Anyhow, it has all been too much until i stumbled upon this rainbow sweetness! Glad to be back home and back to being a bitch and a half.

Labels:

feminism of a different brand. // 20120902 //

Men think its all about lace and cleavage; that our panties are either Thongs or G-strings or pretty Briefs. And wired bras are hot! Never mind the fact that they leave angry red lines when we take them off or the extra mile we take to squeeze the water out very carefully when washing them if not the whole damn cup gets bent out of shape. Hey, they don't even know about the Old Jockey with a hole and the Ancient Cotton Bra with blotches we still keep in our drawers.

Just like how they assume women are just creatures with boobs; born with nonsensical issues. Wrong but hey, who really wants to lose all the allure of being that unfathomable extraordinary woman and let the enigma vanishes ay?

Labels:

that mind rattle. // 20120731 //

There's this feeling I get sometimes when I get surprised by adulthood, where life sneak up on me, tap on my shoulder and make me jump and I think of something that I desperately need to tell someone - its somewhat like a secret, but more like a brilliant idea that i absolutely must share or I'll explode!

Quite a nice, easy feeling, everything tumbling over a really beautiful chaos.

Labels:

complex brain functions. // 20120705 //


im not too crazy about meeting a friend's significant other. it always turn out to be a bit of an ordeal because im expected to relentlessly analyse and deconstruct and perform complex body-language-decoding brain functions while friend's eyes constantly beseech me for approval.

now, lets put yourself in that person's (significant other) shoes : you see,  usually you will know when a group of friends are really curious about you, you would sense their collective anticipation and you would react to this with laughter that grows more defiant or maybe loud greets with much forced gaiety which i think are completely unnecessary unless you dont mind trying too hard to be a loon.

of course they will judge you - are you ordinary looking? do you have anxious expression? weird accent? of course they will make mental tally in their heads, so they can elaborate on their other friends later. and yes, you will wonder if you're steadily losing points. which got me thinking - its probably completely worth it just to be the object of the kind of devotion someone seems to have around you, just to be taken care of, when all the boys we know are fucking around, contemplating their wedding days or making statements like ' i need to figure things out' or ' i think i still have feeling for you but...' and etc.

ya know?

Labels:

meet the Ultras. // 20120604 //


Dreadful  weekend – i hate the way i have to pretend a major part of my life doesn’t exist when around this bunch of ultra conservative people. Their lives are the complete antithesis of mine especially the female version of the tribe, and im talking about age sixteen up, are either married or prepping to be married, and this kind of shit sort of passed on, from generation to generation and that annoys the heck out of me.  

Really.

The worst among them is probably the fat ones. No, not the kind of fat that makes a person look jovial and sweet but the kind of fat that mean old sows are, with beady eyes and immense power, and you know they’re constantly plotting how to knock you over. I don’t know how i grew up the way i did, i guess the internet and the traveling changed the way i look at things. On similar note; King stumbled upon this - was a great laugh over coffee at sunset. Check it out.

Labels:

sepia tinted memories. // 20120520 //


the coming of age phases - from being a nerd and skinny and growing breasts, to being free, footloose and not really worried about where life is taking me, to realizing relationships will not last forever, to being twenty three and knowing that people change, that friendship and loyalty are all subject to change, to  daringly progressing from making out to heavy making out, till it seemed like the room would explode from the intensity of  desires and the discovery of the most momentous of all experiences -- love?

been listening to that word a lot ,these days especially. of course, there were times when it has been greatly misused.

i guess in a saner, sober moment; i knew that sometimes everything had to change in order for it to be the same and at some point in the future we'll find ourselves right back at the start. 

Labels:

flood of thoughts. // 20120506 //

while been busy doing....well nothing particularly fruitful, its been actually lovely chilling to my own schedule. its nice to slow down for a change; feels like calmness flood through me like water. filled with an overwhelming sense of relief, an idyllic last-minute weekend getaway trip miraculously happened. amazing how perspective can change after a quick trip.

read more on that here , here and here.

also i have this love-hate thing going with the hometown, well essentially i am a city person; thrive on action, on people moving rapidly around me, on drinking coffee with music turned up to deafening levels, even on traffic jams, all evidence to the contrary. so i guess a weekend of being away is all i can take and i guess every now and then its important to do what you want and just screw everyone else.

Pangkor Island, Perak via Anne.

Labels: ,

feeling alien. // 20120503 //

If there’s one thing that make me uncomfortable, its walking into a room full of people already in mid-swing. Not that I have much choice. I guess these are the people they actively sought out for company or amusement. I end up feeling that those who are there already consider me as an intruder, someone who doesn’t really belong and who’s screwing up their merriment.

Feeling alien and completely judged as they flicked their eyes over me and preparing to smile, it struck me how I couldnt quite bother to put the 'social face' on but unquestioningly accepted other people's artifices as just as charming part of their personalities. occasionally making deliberate eye contact and making it seemed like i was laughing to myself, i spent time glancing less and less discreetly at the time on my blackberry to see when i could go home.

I swear all i wanted was the earth to open up and swallow me whole.

Labels:

here and now. // 20120303 //

It has been a little over a month since brother moved in. No one wakes me up on weekends, but he did, just this morning; followed by me sticking out my face out from under my sheet mumbling. Had breakfast together on our little balcony, and ended up bonding from 9 till noon. Sounds appropriate; given the fact that we are pretty much responsible for the tiny bit of normalcy in each other's lives in this teeny condo. Gah.

Seems both my sister and I are tragic case of genes and conditioning, as both of us have been crying out for mother or the maid to fetch us toast while at home. Her birthday is today, dropped a birthday wish that says " stay cool, stylo and smart always. That is rare to come in one package" albeit on opposite sides of planet. I am so proud of her.

Still patting my own back for carrying off bubbles of joy moments. Like one of those evenings when you're out with someone and they've just said something that makes you either laugh really hard or look at them intensely and say "me too". And see a look for pride on the face and feel foolishly triumphant that I mentally added it to my photo album.

Labels:

hormones talking. // 20120216 //

This week, somewhat oddly, it took me 40 minutes to get to work, due to the shameful state of traffic in this otherwise fabulous(?) city. Odd; usually its 17 minutes. Some odd impulse seized my brother this month to change his job, move in with me and now I have someone waiting for me at home everyday.

Odd.

As you can see, a few hormones talking today; thank you for the oppressive sultriness that makes everything becomes unbearable. The muggy rainy condition makes me stay mostly inside this week, performing such domesticities.

I guess saying a million things but never really say anything is becoming a hobby. That "So, tell me about you" question had me quelled my natural instinct to answer it, like thats understandable only to me, myself though inwardly I relished the fact that I could make someone feel anxious, quite thrilled by the attention.

As I sit here waiting for the air conditioner to cool my room, it occurs to me I have no idea what goes on in people's heads or hearts apart from my own. Does that turn me into the kind of person who doesnt give a flying fuck about what people think? Maybe I trust my own judgement that i dont rely on how people around me react to me in order to define myself. Hm.

An ex-intern shared a glimpse of myself on his blog. Not quite sure if this is a compliment or not. I love this naive super skinny boy, I do.

Labels:

outpour. // 20120121 //

Have been slightly scattered of late, and although I could put this down to work issues and the sense of being absofuckinglutely fucking confused; so confused in fact that I could barely function but I think its just me being generally a bit shit. (I shall stop with the vulgarity now).

Said events will remain confidential, unless of course you are one of my clan, one of those who call every night, one of my neighbours, one of my neighbours friends, or a lad I met in the mess called King Shen.

Emotional outpour is good for what ails you.

We categorize people, all of us do; which is actually kind of ironic because we get pissed off when people do it to us. Example: 'Himbo' category - the slightly brainless men with no insights whatsoever on anything. Have yet to name this category for bland, wholesome, no skeletons-in-the-closet-type. But hey, where would the stories come from?

Yes, unaccountably confused. Perhaps its the people. Perhaps the morality. Perhaps the friendship. Perhaps the fact that there were great stories shared.

Labels:

o twelve shimmer. // 20120102 //

have attempted to elevate mood with boost beach buffet chased by sea breeze. Suffice to say, spent the new year; enjoying myself immensely.

sea. sand. sun. reef.
ocean view bath tub.
new year tan.

to put it in simplest of terms, new year was beautiful.
it really was.

Labels: ,

bunk. // 20111211 //

Squeezing in forty five minutes of free time for coffee; smoke five cigarettes in spite of all the inner-protests while daintily sipping your latte(s). Process your best(est) friend's query, ponder over it and answer it in all seriousness.



"I just dont want your life to follow

a pattern you cant get out of"



Semi-stranger male guests come and join in. Go to the wash room, brush your hair vigorously in an attempt to make it look human and not formerly the possession of a Cocker Spaniel. Give your best(est) friend a crooked half smile the kind you give someone when you're in on something together, like acknowledging a secret alliance.


Labels:

friend material check list. // 20111126 //

Some roll eyes at the same things and sniggering at the same things and generally speaking each other's language - good friends, though I suspect one only cultivates the friendship in order to have something to laugh about with her 'other' friends.

Its easy to figure out whether or not someone is potential friend material. Rank the people you meet. Which is, i agree, superficial. But say i was at some place 'blergh' and talking to someone who's an offshore engineer and there's another guy who works in films, the film guy would be a better choice for me to talk to, because of our media backgrounds, see?

Well, of course, if the offshore engineer is an anomaly among engineers and is cute and charming and smart then all rules go out of the window.

Labels:

sick hearts. // 20111106 //

there will always be situations where I would think of someone as a fairly ordinary-looking person from where I stand. Example, if its a girl, maybe with long-ish hair and a round face - 'pleasant' if you like them fat.

and still, everyone giggles and passes snide remarks around her.

because there will always be the kind of people who think that all they want is to efface themselves and sit back and watch other people, tell their stories through their eyes, or at least objectively. when in reality, their stories from where I stand, full of big words and catch phrases, read like they are showing off; like the telling and the teller are so much more important than the story itself.

so I smile sardonically, in a woman-of-the-world kind of way, every time.

Labels:

girl friday. // 20111015 //

she said


"i want to own him, to possess him, to carve my name on his stomach with my tongue, but more than that i want him to want to own me. so i keep him dangling, send subtle and not so subtle signals, sometimes of love, sometimes of indifference, while i laugh crazily inside my head.

but by the time friday comes, im so okay with this. i am an empowered woman after all. no sexy underwear, no thong, just an average tee instead of a strappy top. yeah, im so okay with this".


then...


monday comes.

Labels:

◄ Older