okay, enough of frank soul-searching.

the entirety of one's adult life is a series of personal choices, desicions. and making decisions based on facts and reasons is a chronic and never ending burden. i, so totally underperfom in this aspect but this personal misfortune didnt bother me much till recent. im taking baby steps to overcome this, thinking i am well in the reckoning to grow and burst this gi-normous bubble of discipline i once thought highly of. the old me would refuse to give in to temptation and simply believe in working on the basis of face time. then later she realized, that all she did was allowing self to spend most of her time so unproductively. and now, she's running out of time.

get the picture? disciplinary measures lead to a state of unproductivity.

its funny, how wrong people can be. how we want to be happy about the things we're doing, how we want to believe every song we sing. yet, there's always something missing. something we need to build up our guts to feel the rush, something that we cant wikipedia our way through; and even if we did, we'd just end up making huge decks full of bull shit. something you shouldnt emotionally beat yourself up too much for.

something we shall not speak of.
you know?